What a crazy week. Yesterday I found out that the class I am supposed to take this summer, which I thought was in July, actually started May 27! Totally my fault, but it still drives me crazy. I am so disorganized! I missed 3 classes, which is 12 hours of class. Since it is a summer class it meets twice a week, 4 hrs each time. I was able to talk to the professor and she is letting me make it up by writing a 15 page paper. Not excited about that, but I am so thankful that she is still letting me take the class! If I couldn't take it, it would have set me back a year graduating! So anyway, I spent all day rearranging my schedule so that I would be able to take the class, work, have daycare, meet with practicum clients, etc. What a crazy month this is going to be!
I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be a working, professional woman and still a mom. Like yesterday, I find myself making excuses for not being able to work a particular shift, because I don't have daycare for that day, and it is humbling for me. I know that I can't please everyone all the time, and it isn't my responsibility to drop everything to make someone else's life easier, but I still feel guilty and irresponsible. Is this normal?? Everything is more complicated when you have children.
Annabel continues to be such a source of amusement and joy for me. I love to see her smiling face in the crib first thing in the morning and I love to sneak in and peek at her while she is sleeping. She is so curious about everything, and smart! Everyone says how intently she watches everything and how seriously she studies an object or a face. The other day I was watching her as she was playing a game with herself- taking the pacifier out of her mouth and throwing it about 10 inches in front of her, then crawling after it. Repeat about 8 times, until she is to the other side of the room- so funny!
She is so sweet and loving, giving hugs and kisses and showing affection so freely. My mom asked me the other day if I ever imagined how much my baby would love me, and I can honestly say no. It definately stirs up some conflictual feelings inside me- like what have I done to deserve such love and adoration? What makes me worthy of this child's unconditional love and how do I continue to be "good enough" to deserve it? Will she still love me if I don't always measure up to what a mother should be? Perhaps it is a lesson in God's love for me as well- I have done nothing to deserve it, yet it is always unconditionally there. I will never be good enough to be in His presence, yet he still welcomes me with open arms. What an incredible thing.
Anyway, I will add some pictures later, when I get home.